This is what it feels like: my soul crumbling in my gut dissolving hopelessly into acid. I'm on fire and I can't focus. I can't eat and I don't want to do any of the things I'm supposed to do. Instead I just keep imagining you standing in front of me, and I hug you as if it's the only way to save myself. Even in the fantasy you look at me like I'm crazy. I feel trapped on the planet. This is what I'm like, having just left you... afraid that things will change.
I know, I need to sleep. This feeling comes and goes. I'll panic, torture myself, drown in it — and then I'll see you again. Maybe you'll lean in a little closer to tell me a secret, or maybe your eyes will linger that extra half-second which is for me the secret of the universe. Maybe you'll smile and rest your head on my arm and nothing will ever be wrong again. That's what astounds me: How in your smallest affections a very complicated man becomes exceedingly simple. How whatever I once was, I am now just someone who lives for your laughter. What else. Pursuing my own happiness has never worked. It's only by seeking yours that I've ever found mine.
That said, you may wonder why I should feel that soul-crumbling sadness. A good question. The answer is because I know something of the inevitable. I know that things must change and always do, and that it never stays easy for long. I know that I don't deserve this good fortune. That I can think of a hundred ways this ends badly and tomorrow, and also a thousand reasons you should turn and run. We're in it now. We're at that awful place where we've accidentally built this thing to be demolished. We've climbed it together, talking so intently along the way that we've yet to look down. We're here, and soon something will happen. Reality will come blowing the way it must.
I'd like to offer a solution:
Don't go.
That's it. If you can promise to stay, then I can promise so much. Maybe not that I'll be what you need, or even what you want... certainly not always. But if you decide to break my heart, I'll let you. Over and over again. I will not harden to avoid it or pretend it can't be done.
And if you ever need me, I'll probably already be there. I wouldn't make you ask for help. I don't need validation.
So don't go... It'll get rough, because it has to, and because emotions do that. I want you to react to it honestly, but I think you should do so right here with me.
Do you understand how much I care about you? This is how much: I won't let us become a bad memory. I won't be a regret. All those terrible things that can happen to our hearts, all those things that keep me up at night... I won't let them hurt you. I won't let anything hurt you. Not even myself.
No heartbreak, no circumstance, no disagreement — no tragedy or intrusion... nothing, will make me forget you. I mean forget who you are. I know what you're worth.
Instead, remembering you — I will not be able to hurt you. I will not leave when you want me to stay or stay when you want me to leave. I will never let us languish in ambiguity.
Why would we ever need all that negativity? We can just talk instead. We can tell the truth. I will always love the truth of you. In fact, I will always seek it.
It's just an idea, but lately I think it's the greatest idea I've ever had. I'll be your best friend, and if you want you can keep me. You can kiss me forever. You can call me your own.
Or not. That's fine...
Just don't go.
